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Welcome to #AskCam, a column where sex and intersectionality are not divided but welcomed together.

Dear Cam, How do I go on dates with other cuties when I don't even have time to go on dates with my wife? When any "taking time" feels more like "stealing time", how the hell do you prioritize? -Not Enough Time
Dear Not Enough Time (NET), First of all, I want to say, thank you for writing in about this. This may not be the sexiest topic, but it's SO important to talk about. This sounds like the classic dilemma that more folks encounter than you realize, monogamous or not. We have a lot to deal with during the day: there's school, work, commuting, social media'ing, catching up with friends, family drama, sickness that can sneak up on you, aging and shifting relationships. All of this impacts the way that we prioritize and schedule our day. It seems like you definitely already have a lot on your plate, NET. I think the first thing to do is to be clear about what you would like to do and what you are capable of doing. If we all had unlimited time, energy, and resources, there's so much that we would be able to get accomplished. But there are so many barriers that make that impossible for many of us, and that's okay. We have to be honest with ourselves about what our own boundaries, limitations, and desires are. I would consider writing down exactly what your priorities are: what absolutely needs to be attended to, in the moment, no matter what? What are things you would like to make more time for? Where are your openings for time to realistically fit those things in without overextending yourself?

Welcome to #AskCam, a column where sex and intersectionality are not divided but welcomed together.

Dear Cam, I'm seeing polyamory and non-monogamy hyped up a lot in media, and it seems awesome, but how do I know it's for me? Growing up, I only ever saw relationships being between two people, but I've never felt ~quite~ right about that fitting my life, especially as a POC. Help? -So Many Options So Many Options, Non-monogamy is having a moment here, it seems like media has finally caught wind that heterosexual, monogamous relationships aren't the only valuable ways to create relationships and show love with other people. But if you're new to non-monogamy, it can definitely be overwhelming to figure out where you lie. To do this topic justice, this is going to be the first of a mini-series on non-monogamy. Here I'm just going to break down the basics of what exactly non-monogamy is and how you know if it's right for you. Non-monogamy, as I'm using it here, is referring to a variety of relationship structures. Many of us grew up only knowing about one relationship style, monogamy, and seeing that as the ideal. In traditional monogamy, we're presented with a two-person relationship style (usually these people are heterosexual, able-bodied, neurotypical) where the goal is to be married, have children, and raise a family together. There's nothing at all wrong with this structure, but it's presented as a one-size-fits-all model that everyone should fit into, and that simply isn't reasonable.

Welcome to #AskCam, a column where sex and intersectionality are not divided but welcomed together.

Dear Cam,  I've been dating for a few months, and there's one person in particular that I've been really into. Our dates have been fantastic, but I'm ready for something more. When is the right time to move to getting physical with someone new? -Taking The Plunge Dear Taking The Plunge, For many of us who date and have sexual experiences, this is a frequently asked and pondered question. In monogamous culture, there's an assumption that there's a timeline that folks need to hit to ensure that the relationship is "on the right path"; at certain times, we're expected to date, kiss, become exclusive, and everything after. There's an expectation that everyone who dates has the same goal of falling in love, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after – there's nothing at all wrong with these things – but isn't it kind of fucked up to assume that everyone will want these exact things, in that exact order? Whether you're monogamous or not, there's no escaping the cultural pressure to subscribe to this kind of dating and relationship model. The first part in my response to you, TTP, is something that you might already know but is worth reiterating: you don't have to hit a timeline or do things by a certain time for them to be valid. Every relationship – romantic, platonic, monogamous, non-monogamous, and everything in between – evolves at its own pace, and placing a one-size-fits-all model to how relationships should look does a disservice to our individuality and places unnecessary pressure on the folks in that relationship.

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