I’m understanding my body, my gender, and my identity more and more every day that I decolonize and divest from white supremacist patriarchal ideologies. All my life
, I’ve always felt uncomfortable asking for head or centering my sexual pleasure the ways I prefer to climax and be stimulated. I’ve spent my entire life being a Black fat femme, and so much of that time not asking for pleasure or head from my partners because no one showed enthusiasm around my wants and my body in the first place. I was constantly shamed around my body — expected to smell bad because I’m fat and Black, expected to be more likely to give pleasure to any guy who asked for it because I’m too ugly to say ‘no’ and expected to be okay with any type of affection offered to me because I’m not worthy of love anyways. I internalized that my body wasn't worthy of something so vulnerable and personal because it was so foreign to my everyday sexual experiences. It was always give, please, make them climax, praise them for the good time that I put most of the labor into. Fucking while fat and black and femme (but not necessarily being read as a femme that is deemed worthy of pleasure, vulnerability, or sexual stimulation) meant always being fucked in the dark, being used as a masturbation vessel, and being shamed and hyper-criticized for your body.