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A woman/domme in a wheelchair being pulled by subs in leather
A woman/domme in a wheelchair being pulled by subs in leather

A scene from San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair. Photo by Ed Bierman. Creative Commons license.

I’m disabled. I’m also kinky.

I have a pretty cane that I use during the colder seasons. It is my best friend. I walk everywhere with it and it has helped me from falling on my ass.

I also wield a flogger, handcuffs and a Hitachi magic wand. I am into orgasm denial (both giving and receiving). I also am into power play. I could go on and on about the shit I’m into, but I’ll leave it at: I am a filthy femme witchy Domme that switches between top or bottom.

Yes, I am disabled. But I am also kinky.

A lot of folks don’t realize that the two go hand in hand. Often, the articles that are out there talking about how to explore BDSM or kink don’t touch on the fact that there are disabled folks that indulge. And even more so, there are disabled folks that prefer to top and/or Dom(me). And here comes the question of: where the fuck do I go? Where are the spots I can go? How the fuck do I find play partners?

We are constantly desexualized — and we’re tired of it.

So, here are some tips for folks who are into some type of kink and want to explore, but have constantly shied away because guides like this didn’t exist for them.

Related: Getting and Giving Head When You’re Disabled

While this is centered a bit towards Dom(me)s or tops, it can also apply to subs or bottoms.

Know your limits.

This is not just limited to the sub or bottom. It is important to know your limits and when you need breaks. Consent is important. Fetishization is never cute. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you are NOT obliged to continue the session. If they’re invalidating your accessibility needs, even after a discussion, leave. You don’t need to stay and tolerate someone who doesn’t accept you and treats you like a fuck toy or a burden.

Fetlife can be your friend.

Yes, Fetlife has a lot of creeps. I have the unsolicited dick pics to prove it. But Fetlife can also link you to events — like munches, where you can meet kinksters in street clothes, and play parties, where you can have a bit of fun. Often, events will mention if they’re accessible and if it is possible for you, you can meet other folks to help guide you in kink or join the journey with you.

Get. Accessible. Toys.

Depending on the disability you have and the things you’re into, this will vary. Accessibility is important no matter the location, whether in the streets or between the sheets. Sometimes I find it helps to write down limitations I might have and things I need to help with, or that can enhance the experience for me and my partner. Also important is discussing the importance of comfort and knowing how that looks for my ass.

Talk about what you might or definitely need during a scene before it actually happens.

While this is important in general, it is definitely important to talk about your role in the scene and how to make your play time really fun and comfortable for you as well. If you need help with visuals or auditory stuff, mention it! For example, while I do Domme, I also bottom. When I am Domming from the bottom, I’ll tell my sub (the top) that I will need pillows for the scene and that I will tire out from time to time. I will tell my sub to check in on me while I’m being fucked, because I’ll be okay but sometimes my knee is a fucking asshole for some reason.

Don’t be afraid to use your mobility aide.

Trust me on this. While I am able to Domme or top without the use of my handy dandy cane, some folks are not like me. As mentioned before, all disabilities are different. If you need to use your cane, a rollator or wheelchair during the scene, let your play partner know beforehand. This also applies if you use a white cane or if you have a service dog. If possible, you can incorporate said aides (NOT THE DOG) into play, but make sure the person you’re playing with does not reduce you, your body or the things you use to have mobility in your life to a fetish.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. If this is your first time, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Before I was a Domme or even a top, I was a sub. Okay, a subby switch. Years later, I realize that I can’t be a sub ALL the time. I also realized I love being a power bottom. Dynamics will change as you develop the style or scene that works for you. Maybe one day you realize you can’t Dom(me) people and you’d rather be a sub. Maybe you realize you can only top from the bottom. Either way, it is OK to explore with various people in various scenes and figure out your likes and dislikes.

While I could go on and on, these are just some of the things I would tell folks who are starting their journey.

Have fun! And remember to write down a list of contacts, just in case shit gets real.


Mickey Valentine is an activist of Jamaican descent born and raised in the Bronx, NY and currently lives in Somerville, MA. Some things (besides angry) that can describe them : a polyamorous, nonbinary, queer disabled femme who promotes the importance of honesty and vulnerability. They’re down to talk about animation, youth development, kink, gentrification, disability justice and reproductive justice-related things.

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